Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Inner Journey

Well, really too much to say on this front (because it is still emerging from my being and bones- I'm expecting useful details will come out later as my movements become more free, and I feel safe to express my thoughts on this inner journey post-hip replacement revision surgery, or whatever really has been going on here...more coherently. 

What I know is this: when the structure of anything gets changed around, there's a lot of adapting, adjusting to do to test 'the new'.  It's not like I am a victim of a critical incident, yet the effect of this surgery to help my hip, thus leg, thus whole gait and form become more balanced is like providing me with an opportunity to allow a lot of unfinished questions to be thrown into the healing hopper and allow what emerges to be known as 'Allie's hip .2 '.  AKA, that's me at age 55 receivign wholhearedly the possibility that each moment continues to be a miracle of learning and that my passion for depth and transformations gets played out over and over again in the events of my life.  It's challenging,, it's exhiliarating, this adventure of living fully.  Finding those new dimensions who will allow me to sing their songs will be my eternal quest, essential seeker that I am.

Certainly brings up issues of trust and capacity.

And oh- Sorting out the impressions of the hospital stay is a whole thing unto itself too; the many contacts with St Peter's staff, the two pastoral counselors who were there at the right moment, my sweet roommate Amelia and son Ron, the day nurses and busy nurse techs, Jeff, the gorgeous night nurse - all these people and activities presented quite a different set of distractions than those in my other routines, for sure.

Yet, somehow, the basic reality emerges again and again - that somewhere in the soup of S(s)elf, I am balanced and whole already!  The gateway of the body/SOMA is my chosen work, so I get to practice on myself first. Hatha Yoga is the practice of disciplines of body breath and mind, in order to access insights available from the subtle bodies. Kripalu Yoga stages of practice are incredible resources to me right now.  

Guardian angels, the divine , family and friends have been so present during all this time of transformation and transition;  my more introverted self has been mightily stretched with beloved husband and now excellent nurse Newell so comfortable as such a gallant public person.  This blog was his idea of course and I have to say that I am glad.  All the other posts have been supportive, but this forum gives me a chance to try to let the muse out and flow through the waves with the delightful newness of  feelings experienced by the releasing of tears the other day when I felt the full weight of my body evenly balanced by both soles of my feet on the floor.  I had not had the sensation of both full flat feet on the ground for some time.  When that realization was finally absorbed my pain-medicated brain, I stooped over and began to sob, as I have been doing regularly since.  All my esoteric friends say, yes! cry, express, release, forget the whine, complain...never suppress, just find a new way of 'being' through all this. A recent recommendation is to write as if I were the voice of the tears.... 

So that means my next post will be some poetry, I guess

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